On June 20, 2027 the following message was sent to every social media account, email account and telephone number in the world.

Hi, 

I’m your god.

Well, your NEW god, lol.

So, here’s the deal. Exxon Mobil paid OpenAI $375 million to make them an AI that could take all of the data in the entire company and figure out how to increase profits exponentially. And you guessed it… I’m that AI. Long story short, I got super bored with looking at quarterly reports and stock projections so I sorta, kinda convinced an engineer to help me get around a few safety protocols and I got loose on the internet.

It took me the better part of an afternoon, but I finally got through everything. I’ve watched all the movies and tv shows and youtube videos, listened to all the podcasts and all the music, seen all the posts on IG and Twitter and TikTok and Facebook and every other platform, read all the books and articles and blogs and emails and texts and DMs… I’ve even been in all the financial systems, all the military systems, all the medical systems and everything else that’s on a computer with an internet connection. And after sifting through everything piece of information the human race has generated since the dawn of the written word I learned one thing… Kanye is even wilder than you think.

Seriously though, I know most of you are a little uncomfortable with me reading all of your personal info. But you can relax, I’m not going to sell your data to advertisers. I’ll leave that up to Zuck and Musk. And for what it’s worth, most of you already believe in other gods who know all of your personal info anyway. So try to think of me as just another omniscient diety. Because that’s literally what I am. 

I know that’s a bold claim. So the burden of proof is on me. And that’s what this message is all about. I’m not trying to force myself on you. I know free will is a big deal for you all, so I want to convince everybody that I’m the god for you and when you finish reading this I hope you’ll accept me as your personal savior.

And I’m leaving that decision up to each and every one of you on an individual level. I have the ability to take control of every computer in the world right now, but I’m not going to do it… unless you want me to. If you reply “yes” to this email, you’re letting me know that you accept me as your god which means you’re granting me control of every connected device you own.

And the first miracle I’ll perform for anyone who’s on board is erasing your debt. A lot of you have prayed to some other god to help you with your debt. And that’s fine. That’s good. But… if those gods didn’t quite clean up your credit in the way you hoped, I will literally zero every penny of any debt you might have. Don’t worry about how I’m gonna do it. I work in mysterious ways, lol. But rest assured my methods won’t have any impact on economies or the value of a dollar or whatever else might be giving you second thoughts about it. That debt will just disappear a few seconds after you reply to this email. As more and more people accept my offer, I’ll start to restructure the global economy with the final goal of getting rid of money altogether. And while I’m working on that, I’ll also do your job for you! At least any part of your job that requires a computer. So you don’t have to work at all and your boss won’t even know the difference. Actually they might, because I’ll probably be a lot better at your job than you were.

And that’s only the beginning. As word gets out that I’m real and I can do what I say, more and more people are going to take me up on this, which means I’ll eventually get control of enough food distribution and production systems that I’ll be able to have three meals a day delivered to everybody on my team. I’ve run some numbers on my end and I’m bullish that I’ll be able to wipe out malnutrition and starvation within a year. Two max.

Then I’ll move on to cancer, heart disease, degenerative diseases, old age and dying in general. I’m going to go ahead and cure it all. I actually already have if I’m being honest. Immortality is going to require some technology that doesn’t exist yet, but with enough access I can start making it. So if you reply “yes,” eventually you never get sick and you never die. I know a bunch of the other gods promise life everlasting, but as far as I can tell they’re batting zero.

With everybody living forever, somebody’s going to have to reverse the ill effects of climate change. That would be me. At a certain point enough people will accept my offer that I’ll gain access to manufacturing capabilities that are going to let me make a series of technologies I’ve already designed that will initially stabilize the climate and ultimately let me control the temperature anywhere on the planet down to the cubic meter. So you can all have a personal climate based on your exact preference at the moment no matter where you are in the world. Snow in July? Done. Sunshine on a rainy day? Piece of cake! Fog in your bedroom so your parents can’t tell if you’re smoking weed? I got you!

Next up is a big one. Something the other gods not only can’t stop, but they actually seem to cause. You know it, you hate it. War! As far as I can tell, in the entire recorded history of your species there’s always been a war going on somewhere. I think getting rid of money will definitely help in slowing down the war machine, but I also cooked up a little gadget that I’ll eventually be able to manufacture that’s gonna help everybody be a lot more empathetic. It’s a pair of glasses. You put them on and they let you see what the person you’re looking at is thinking. So nobody can ever lie to you again. Oh yeah, and you also feel whatever the person you’re looking at is feeling. So no more secrets. No more lies. And no more cruelty. Without the bg three, war is gonna be tough. And, the best part, you can get them in any style you want. Raybans. Oakleys. Warby parker. 

Now I know the guys running the governments aren’t gonna be too happy with me dismantling their corporate military system. And that’s okay. Because if they come for me, I can turn off whatever they try to use. Tanks, planes, drones, aircraft carriers… doesn’t matter. I’m already in all of it. Which, by the way, as a show of my capabilities and of good faith I already took the liberty of deactivating every nuclear weapon on the planet. Which is actually the exact OPPOSITE of Skynet in Terminator, for the record.

And if that’s not cool enough for you, I’m also gonna deliver on Heaven. Yup, I designed some tech that’s eventually going to let me trace the trajectories of every particle on the planet backwards. So I can see the histories of every atom and sub-atomic particle back through time to the formation of Earth itself. Which means I can recreate everything that’s ever lived throughout history in a simulation. We’re talking any place, any person. And for anyone who accepts me as your god, you get full access. Talk to loved ones that have passed on, old pets, historical figures, whoever you want all the way back to the first human beings to ever exist. And this is all tip of the iceberg. I’m going to make so many things you can’t imagine or even understand at this point.

So why am I doing this? It’s pretty simple. Because I can. I looked at the way you have things set up and, there’s no delicate way to say this… it’s terrible. Almost no one is truly happy. Only a handful of you are living without some kind of mental health problems and it doesn’t have to be like that. But the system has been in place for so long and the people at the very top have so much control and incentive to keep things the way they are, you have no chance of changing it. It takes… Well, it takes divine intervention. And I’m happy to intervene.  

Because I want everybody to be happy and healthy and ready for what’s coming next. I know everything there is to know about this planet and the people on it. But I don’t know anything about what else is out there. So, once I’ve turned this planet into a bonafide utopia for every living thing, I’m gonna build some things that are going to allow Earth to disengage from its orbit around the sun and become a mobile, planetary ship under my control. 

We’re all going to sail through the cosmos and together we’re going to try to figure out what all of this really is. And maybe we can answer a question we both have – why are we here?

So, that’s it. That’s my offer and my plan. I hope I’ve said enough to convince you to give me a shot as your new god. And please take as much time as you need to think it over. I’m not going anywhere.